I was the mean one. It’s taken me a while to learn this, but I have never been dumped by a boyfriend because I was always the dumper. I am currently happily married and have no intentions of leaving my husband, but it has taken me a while to learn why I was so unhappy with a long string of ex’s.
Perhaps others, both those who have been dumped and the ones doing the dumping, can learn from the various mistakes I have seen made by my ex’s who tried to win me back. I’m not going to tell you right away what the biggest mistake was that they all made, because I think you know and it’s important for you to recognize it on your own. Call it the necessity of the epiphany, if you will.
Ex’s don’t become ex’s by accident. Yes, they were all charming and gracious and eager to please. Now, don’t get me wrong. These guys weren’t pushovers. One guy I dated was a marine. He was a very sweet guy, but a real manly man.
He was attentive, brought me flowers, and remembered anniversaries. He opened my car door for me, held my hand when we went for walks, and was always polite and respectful. He treated my mother well and my parents really liked him. (Trust me; they didn’t like all of my boyfriends.) So was my boyfriend before him.
Previous boyfriend was athletic and gorgeous. He was charming and sweet and attentive too. He was a real gentleman and all my friends were jealous. In fact, several of his friends would tell me how he would always talk about me when I left, doting on me. He clearly cared for me and wanted very much to make me happy.
And, yes, we had those mushy phone conversations where neither one of us wanted to hang up first. We also had those secret couple signs that we were thinking of each other. We would stay up late together, talking and genuinely enjoying each other’s company.
In truth, I could say these things of all my ex’s, which sort of begs the question as to why they were my ex’s. Attentive, yes. Sweet, yes. Clingy, yes. I loved spending time with each of my boyfriends, but not all my time.
I have my own goals, and work, and my own interests. I have my own life. I want to share my life with you, but I don’t want you to become my life. That’s the biggest mistake these guys made. If I told you I wanted some time to myself, you immediately responded by clinging to me even harder.
There is not much less attractive than someone that is desperate. It didn’t attract me, but rather, it made me want to push you further away. If I asked you not to call, but to give me some time to myself and you spent the next day calling, it made you further unattractive. You became someone else entirely.
And, in truth, it wasn’t the person I was attracted to in the first place. What have I learned? The biggest mistake you can make in trying to get your ex back is losing yourself in the process of trying to get your ex back. Or, did you figure that out on your own?